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| “People who are unable to stand within the dark places of life, those who are always running towards their happy places, are the same things as candles without flames. There is no worth in a candle without a flame, and we only add the flame when there is darkness. Without darkness, there would be no need for warriors and angels. Warriors are not made because the whole world is happy and angels were not formed because there are no demons. Be of worth, have a flame.” C. Joybell C. |
There are moments...they catch me off-guard. I'll be filling up a plastic cup with Pepsi at work, or I'll be sitting in a parking lot, staring at the stars, smoking with friends...and my mind will warp. Actually bend in on itself. Like that moment you're dreaming and you're about to wake up. That in-between moment where nothing feels real and nothing feels like a dream. I'll just blink and try to catch my breath. And I think...Is this really my life? Is any of this real? How did I get here? Who the hell am I? I bite my lip till it bleeds so the tears of being lost won't surface and then everyone will look at me like I've lost my fucking mind.
There are moments...moments I wish I could catch in glass mason jars and sit on my window-sill...sunlight shining through, sending a rainfall of rainbows all about my tiny apartment. I see myself sipping coffee in a patch of sunlight...eyes closed, peace permeating my whole being. Me walking in the country, barefoot, hair down, skirt long and heavy with dirt and weeds, smile so big...am I seeing my future? Am I really going to be that happy again? That care-free? That alive?
There are moments I wish I could take a black lighter to...burn them up and watch as their ashes dissipate into nothingness. The sleeping pill bottles and beer cans and his body so still. The yellow in her eyes and the bruises and blood on her face and the anger in his eyes. The cuts on her arms and legs. The weeping I hear from the bathroom. The screaming. The belt. The hidden alcohol bottles everywhere. The Camel cigarettes. The moments that surface randomly, that make me want to scream and tear things apart and let my anger and pain destroy something, anything around me. And it'll be me I destroy. I know it will be.
Moments I feel like a complete fuck-up.
Moments I feel beautiful and strong and capable.
Moments I know what I want.
Moments I stand still, staring blankly as my life passes me by, unable to stop it, unable to direct it.
Moments of so much pain I cannot get out of bed.
Moments of happiness where I know this is where I'm supposed to be.
All these moments...all these beautiful, terrible, chaotic moments, they are spiraling together in a symphony of life, a life that I can actually feel. One where I'm not drugged out on that blue little pill they told me would help me cope with life. I feel all this and I would rather feel depression and anxiety and hatred and grief...because the joy, the love, the hope I feel, it's just as intense, just as bright. And it draws me forward on the darkest of days. Towards what? I don't know yet. And that's ok. Don't give up. Please don't give up. The pain, these moments where you feel so inadequate, where you weep for people lost and people you can't have now, where you have no idea where you are going in life....where you are so hungover, whether from alcohol or lack of sleep from being up with kids...these moments don't last forever. Find something that makes you happy and chase that with all your heart and soul. Happiness and hope and real joy....they exist. Keep pressing on dear one. I'm here, rooting for you...me, another fuck up trying to get my shit together.
Marybeth -
ReplyDeleteI'm finally commenting after 5-6 years of following your blog(s) and admiring your writing. Many times you've written, "If you read to the end, let's be friends!" But truth was, I only knew your sisters and sister-in-law, I had no idea how I even came across your blog, and it felt awkward admitting that I had read so many posts, and your whole story, and kept keeping up.
YEARS before senseless pictures of Robin Williams with meaningless text saying "let's pray for all who have depression!" showed up on my Facebook feed, you blogged about the reality and pain of depression. Your love for Christ never depended on which side of marriage equality one stood on, or any of the politics -- you merely shared Christ. So realistically, so eloquently and honestly. I never read your blog for a feel-good, perfect reminder.
And to be honest, the pink hair/nose-ring/F-bomb dropping didn't make me wonder how right with the 'Lawd' you were :P. That part was refreshing -- that you can be so raw and honest and loud and broken and be so up-front about it, while I wonder how to word posts so not to appear "whiny."
The other part? The pain and despair you write about? That's heartbreaking. I know, from your blog and from knowing your sister, that you were right there for Jess and in everything she went through (I don't know Crystal as well, but I'm sure you're no less supportive). So to see you experiencing pain, reoccurring, deep pain, is hard.
But the reason I HAD to come here, to comment finally (I hope you're as into reading long posts as you are writing them and that you're still with me), is to tell you that you're anything but a fuck-up. That's coming from a Jesus lover who *loves* to cuss (the only curse word we're really forbade of is His name in vain, really). But you're not. You have told me countless times how we're all broken, yeah? You've given me a sense of peace and no matter how different circumstances your life may be than back then, your life is unfolding *exactly* as it should.
I have kept you in my prayers many evenings now, and NOT in the "oh honey, I'll pray for your poor soul," way. But truly, I have prayed you find the exact peace you're meant to find. That you know just how loved you are, and how GOOD you are, even when it's hardest to feel that way. We may all be broken but you are NOT a fuck-up. You are as beautiful and inspiring as you were when I started reading, maybe even moreso. I'd love to get coffee and cuss and be friends. Regardless, you are braver than me, loved and exactly where you're meant.
❤