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| “People who are unable to stand within the dark places of life, those who are always running towards their happy places, are the same things as candles without flames. There is no worth in a candle without a flame, and we only add the flame when there is darkness. Without darkness, there would be no need for warriors and angels. Warriors are not made because the whole world is happy and angels were not formed because there are no demons. Be of worth, have a flame.” C. Joybell C. |
There are moments...they catch me off-guard. I'll be filling up a plastic cup with Pepsi at work, or I'll be sitting in a parking lot, staring at the stars, smoking with friends...and my mind will warp. Actually bend in on itself. Like that moment you're dreaming and you're about to wake up. That in-between moment where nothing feels real and nothing feels like a dream. I'll just blink and try to catch my breath. And I think...Is this really my life? Is any of this real? How did I get here? Who the hell am I? I bite my lip till it bleeds so the tears of being lost won't surface and then everyone will look at me like I've lost my fucking mind.
There are moments...moments I wish I could catch in glass mason jars and sit on my window-sill...sunlight shining through, sending a rainfall of rainbows all about my tiny apartment. I see myself sipping coffee in a patch of sunlight...eyes closed, peace permeating my whole being. Me walking in the country, barefoot, hair down, skirt long and heavy with dirt and weeds, smile so big...am I seeing my future? Am I really going to be that happy again? That care-free? That alive?
There are moments I wish I could take a black lighter to...burn them up and watch as their ashes dissipate into nothingness. The sleeping pill bottles and beer cans and his body so still. The yellow in her eyes and the bruises and blood on her face and the anger in his eyes. The cuts on her arms and legs. The weeping I hear from the bathroom. The screaming. The belt. The hidden alcohol bottles everywhere. The Camel cigarettes. The moments that surface randomly, that make me want to scream and tear things apart and let my anger and pain destroy something, anything around me. And it'll be me I destroy. I know it will be.
Moments I feel like a complete fuck-up.
Moments I feel beautiful and strong and capable.
Moments I know what I want.
Moments I stand still, staring blankly as my life passes me by, unable to stop it, unable to direct it.
Moments of so much pain I cannot get out of bed.
Moments of happiness where I know this is where I'm supposed to be.
All these moments...all these beautiful, terrible, chaotic moments, they are spiraling together in a symphony of life, a life that I can actually feel. One where I'm not drugged out on that blue little pill they told me would help me cope with life. I feel all this and I would rather feel depression and anxiety and hatred and grief...because the joy, the love, the hope I feel, it's just as intense, just as bright. And it draws me forward on the darkest of days. Towards what? I don't know yet. And that's ok. Don't give up. Please don't give up. The pain, these moments where you feel so inadequate, where you weep for people lost and people you can't have now, where you have no idea where you are going in life....where you are so hungover, whether from alcohol or lack of sleep from being up with kids...these moments don't last forever. Find something that makes you happy and chase that with all your heart and soul. Happiness and hope and real joy....they exist. Keep pressing on dear one. I'm here, rooting for you...me, another fuck up trying to get my shit together.
